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Gas We Pass Fart Types

fart |färt| informalverb [ intrans. ]emit gas from the anus.• ( fart about/around) waste time on silly or trivial things.nounan emission of gas from the anus.• a boring or contemptible person : he was such an old fart.ORIGIN Old English (recorded in the verbal noun feorting [farting] ).

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Who Farted? Common Flatulent Farting Types

The ALARM FART:

This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnatural high note and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong and will usually get you alarmed. If it happens to you you will know right away because of the nervous feeling you will have.

The AMPLIFIED FART:

This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time as will a tin drum, a cardboard box etc. These are common farts under the right conditions.

THE BATHTUB FART:
People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart, the most positively identifiable fart known to man. It is a common fart and
strictly group one unless you are a kid still young enough to take baths with your friends.

The BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD FART:
Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size. Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farters.

The BURNING BRAKES FART:
A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.

The CAR DOOR FART:
Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.

The CELESTIAL FART:
Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare.

The CHINESE FIRECRACKER FART:
This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon.

The CROWD FART:
The crowd fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people turn look around The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics and makes a coughing noise, or looks up to the ceiling as if something up there fascinates him. Very common in the supermarket.

The DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART:
Very simply, any fart in church, temple, or any place of worship. For fart watchers who go to church, this is a must to watch for as this is the only place it can occur.

The ENGLISH FART:
A very classy fart. The sound alone distinguishes it from all other farts. There are some who will say that this is a put-on accent, but that is silly. When it comes to farting, these go around sounding like an Englishman. It happens or it doesn't. The sound it makes is a _THIP_. Sometimes it will go __THIP__THIP__. It is un- mistakable. It is probably as proper and upper class as a fart can get.

The EXCLAMATION FART:
This is a punctuation fart. Timing is the whole thing. The farter, or someone, must be speaking. For instance, the speaker will say "Ah shut up!" and then someone will fart a loud sharp fart. This is a true exclamation fart. If the speaker is also the farter he may delay it until just the right moment, then force it for all he's worth <usually causing an unwanted load in his pants>. Rare.

The EXECUTIVE FART:
A very loud fart by a very important person is an executive fart. It is either sharp or flat, somewhat off key but otherwise a very business-like fart. No nonsense about it, but no one is supposed to notice, particularly the farter. If you do not laugh at the executive fart it's either you're afraid of the the person who farted or the fart was just too gross. Common with very important people.

The FRENCH FART:
Said to be the most beautiful of farts. Usually in a minor key, soft and musical with many half tones. Any long, drawn-out far that seems beautiful to you is most likely a French Fart. Very Rare.

The INTERROGATIVE FART:
Starts out low and rises in pitch toward its conclusion. Sounds like
your ass is asking a question!

The STAR SPANGLED BANNER FART:
This is one of the few farts that can bring tears to people's eyes and lumps to their throats and otherwise get them all stirred up.

The EXCUSE ME FART:
This rare fart excuses itself as it is farted. It is about as close to words as a fart can get. The sound it makes is like a little soft whisper that says "S'cuse me." The most polite of all farts and very silly when you are alone.

A Poem About Farts

By Stinky Hiney

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